A Critical Analysis |
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A Critical Analysis |
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"Love is hard to find, when the whole world is watching." - HTH Promo
"Don't worry, after 15 minutes of this I strongly suspect the whole world will be in the kitchen makin' a sammich outta that leftover meatloaf from supper."- BoDee
Like many of you I have seen HTH multiple times ... well, portions of it anyway ... LOL. It was not until the mid 90's that I discovered the Producers had actually inserted seemingly random scenes in no particular order amid the Butt Shot scenes in a really cute attempt to actually create a plot. Until that time I had always thought the whole of HTH was only 15 minutes long. Needless to say it came as quite a revelation to me to find out that there was actually 1 hr 15 minutes of film that had (at least to me), "fallen through the cracks" [Baboom - Thank you].
What follows is my critical analysis of Hard to Hold and all of the little quirky things that somehow work together to make it the "total viewing experience" that it is. To really give some perspective, (and because I am terminally anal and like to organize stuff), let us first take a quick overview of the characters, shall weeeeee?
Jamie Roberts (Rick Springfield)
I can tell you right from the Get Go that the name is bothersome ... I mean Jamie Roberts sounds too much like the name of that creepy kid who sat next to you in grade school and ate the erasers off his pencils. Bad name selection ... were I the writer here I would have most certainly named my main character something more appropriate ... like Bulge Studley or something like that.
We are told from the opening scene that James Roberts is Mr. Bigtime Rock and Roll Star who's music is enjoyed by a Gazillion people, (Uh ... Hello ... that is like really alot of people). He is soooo famous that his character is scared to be seen in public without some type of disguise even after dark for fear of being mobbed. This is OK ... until you consider that this overriding concern of his gets mysteriously lost after the first scene and thereafter he is seen schmoozing his way throughout the Bay area in broad daylight, and frankly nobody seems to recognize him whatsoever, (Who was the continuity guy for this film … Mr. MaGoo for God's sake?).
Diana Lawson (Janet Eilber)
Trivia - Janet Eiber was a Prima Ballerina with the Martha Graham Dance Company
I will not make any pretense about the fact that I loathed this character on sight.
Early on in this Opus we learn that Diana don't cotton to long haired artsy types. Duh! Hello sweetheart! Look again ... it's Rooster Boy. The concept that Miss Personality over here is scoring so much that she can toss Jamie off like last week laundry truly does stretch believability to the nth degree.
There is only one explanation that explains Diana's bizarre behavior ... She is Insane! I mean she has more mood swings then Florida had Chads (<-- Dated material ... will loose all humor value in 2 months, Tops)! Apparently she spends the majority of this movie channeling Frances Farmer.
Diana foreshadows her own insanity
but proclaiming early on that she ...
* She's private
** She's not into crazy
relationships
*** She's not
promiscuous
We'll See!
Nicki Nides (Patti Hansen)
| Trivia
- HTH only notable screen appearance. Is the wife of Keith Richards and
retired from acting after this film ... Duh! Now is a wife and mother, (Hansen? OMG … You don't think? Nahhhhh!) |
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Having said all that I am not convinced that Nicki was actually a woman, (Just look at her for God's sake)! I tend to believe that she was actually a man in drag. She has all the grace and poise of a bar of lava soap and walks like she just got a bikini wax or something! Overall Nicki has all the character appeal of a cold suppository. Does she realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already, without her putting in so much effort to give us another?
Casserole (Peter Van Norden)
Has actually worked more then any other member of the supporting cast, most notable appearance, "The Stand".
Okay! Name the fat guy after a food item, (Not amusing unless his last name is Dish)! This character is essentially the Oddball Comic Relief character. I assume he is the Tour Manager and best friend of the main character. We don't learn alot about him other than the fact that he is NOT a volvo man, (I would have pegged him as an 83 Bonneville Man with 3 different colors of primer paint on the doors). Without a doubt the worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.
Owen, The Producer (John Blyth Barrymore)
Trivia - Actually a member of the Barrymore Acting Dynasty and now specializes in Voice Overs and has his own website at:http://www.barrymore.com/actres.html
This character turns out to be the Standard oily unlikeable snake in the grass in a suit, (usually reserved for the Attorney or Accountant character).
Johnny Lawson (Albert Salmi)
Tragic star of stage and screen, (Per his online Bio: Bad Guy, Sidekick, Authority Figure, Misunderstood Good Guy et al) Trivia - Played the Sidekick to Fess Parker in either Daniel Boone or Davey Crockett TV Series (Since this is from my computer like memory indulge me that I can't remember which one - If your old enough to remember Fess Parker at all, then you know it's been a veeeeerrrrryyyy long time ago).
This character, for all of Mr. Salmi's appreciable talents should have been more aptly named, Johnny "Plot Device" Lawson. His Alcoholism is portrayed with all the sensitivity of a 8th grade film strip on strip mining.
The Band: They didn't even bother to give them names ... LOL
Billy Mumy (Keyboardest)
Trivia - Star of TV's Lost in
Space
Tony Fox Sales (Guitar) (The Elvis
looking guy): Trivia - Son of Soupy Sales: He must
be sooo proud!
Mike Baird (Drummer)
No Trivia - no nothing (believed to be in the Witness
Protection Program).
The band is frequently seen in Jamie's suite rehearsing. I, for one would expect that sorta thing to occur in a studio, but hey, what do I know, I dispatch trucks for a living? Aside from playing music, they are often seen eating, mugging for the camera, and mocking the film.
My Actual Musings -Actual notes that I took while actually watching the movie(In actual chronological order so you can actually follow along and actually play at home)- [ Did you ever notice if you say an actual word over and over again how it actually starts to sound like an actual foriegn language?]:
Opening concert:
* Right off the bat I question the realism of this scene ... no cameras, no signs, although I do believe I saw the Lush crew in the front row!
* If Jamie is such a Mega star why was he given such a really crummy Dressing Room? It looks like the Equipment room at the local High School Gym?!?
Post Concert (Backstage):
* At one point Jamie walks by a guy in the hallway with a big ole armful of towels, (Either this guy was stealing them for the WYD Gallery [< -- Shameless website promotion ... LOL ... or they were intended for the other band members as Jamie only seems to have been issued one tiny hand towel for all of his bathing needs).
* Geez, they got Space invaders! Lucky Rat Bastards!
* After her "Episode" with the outburst and breaking her booze bottle Nicki pounds on the bathroom door and screams "Jamie let me in!" at which point we, the audience, are starting to scream, "Jamie let us out"!
*BUTT SHOT ALERT!!!!!!* Da Man has the butt of a great artist
* Of course every major star to appear at this particular venue is given a Dressing room bathroom with an access door leading into the main hallway ... Duh! Security!
* This single scene redeems the entire production. Thank you God for teeny tiny handtowels! What's wong with these people, haven't they ever heard of Handi-Wipes? BTW - in r/l had this actually (Oops, there it is again), happened there would have been multiple posts to the ELists featuring Jamie's cute lil tushy, all with a subject line referring to a "Bumped elbow".
* One final note; I wonder if Parker House Rolls, Inc. payed a comp for product placement here, (Double Baboom!- Thank you!).
| *
Why does Casserole not seem shocked to see Jamie running nekkid in
the venue and begging him for his pants, does this happen alot?
(I'd pay this guy in Pork Chops
to sub for him for one Friggin night!!!) OMG! ... I surely hope THIS isn't
where that wav file |
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* Note the fit of the pants on Jamie ... this would later inspire the Orange Cargos, (That's why they make my ass look a mile wide ... Thank you Casserole)!
* Casserole's parting warning to Jamie, "Don't pop the clutch"!
The Accident, (aka Jamie pops the clutch):
* What's this? The first Rose explosion? Hahahahaha!
* Why are these people laughing? This is our first real introduction to Diana and our first indication that she is insane! Many more examples to follow!
* What? No legal follow-up? No police report? Is it supposed to endear us to Jamie's cause that his people grease the Police Commissioner's palm? Joe Friday would NEVER have stood for this crap!
Hotel:
* Jamie is forced to run through a fancy Hotel lobby like a goofball, all wet and half dressed in ill-fitting clothes that are not his. Yeah this same thing happened to me in AC Jamie!
Hotel (next day):
* This band is, simply put, the most obnoxious collection of individuals I have experienced since Dennis Miller joined Monday Night Football!
* Note to self - NEVER let your Mom dress the band!
Restaurant:
* Would a HUGE star like Jamie really be seen in public with Casserole and Mr. No Name Producer?!? If Bucky and Bill Drescher didn't file a complaint with the FCC over this they have only themselves to blame!
* Uhhh, Waiter? Can I get a table a little closer to the plot?
Diana's Bedroom:
* Okay I gotta ask the obvious, Why is he chasing her???? She has negative sex appeal, she has already made it clear she hates him and would rather Bump Uglies with Tony Bennett. Uh ... Jamie ... Hello ... is this thing on?
* Not only is Diana insane, she is also as dumb as a bag of hair ... there is an entire symphony concert being set up under her bedroom window and she doesn't have a clue, (wouldn't the sound check be a tip-off)?
Diana's Bedroom - later that same evening:
(*** Reference: Note that she's not promiscuous!)
* MAJOR BUTT SHOT ALERT!!!!!!! *- God Bless America!
| * She's throwing him out??? Further evidence that Diana is as crazy as all get out! I personally would not have had the time to throw him out as I would have been on my knees in Prayer position thanking the entire pantheon of God's from Krishna to Allah to Jehovah!!! (What color is the sky in your world Diana?) |  |
Hotel:
* What's this? Are Vicki and Jamie going to DO IT ... Psych! Would you sleep with someone who had slept with Keith Richards? I can't heeeeaaaarrrrr yooouuuuu?
Recording Studio:
* Jamie goes to call Diana ... Not much here beyond the fact that it stretches all known laws of the physical universe that he could pry a coin outta those jeans!
Quick Scene Change! Whoa! (Who edited this mess the Warren commission?)
Diana's Office:
* Hahahahahaha ... Potted Palm!
* “No Mommy, No! Don't make me go talk to the Scary Lady again!!!!!”
Pizza Joint:
* Sooo, everyone is singing and having a rollicking time at the pizza place … oookay … time to move on … uh, Movie? Did the Production staff suddenly go on break for 15 minutes and just leave the cameras rolling?
* Diana makes a big deal that she doesn't want to get in his limo (She has issues), and just wants to walk the streets (hard to break old habits, ain't it Diana ... Meow)! To conceal his true identity, Jamie hurriedly puts on a pair of sunglasses, (Hey it worked for Clark Kent all those years, Right?).
* This Chick is obsessed with Herpes, (Possible *** Reference re: Promiscuousness)! Nice time to ask Diana, AFTER you do the "Roll me over in the Clover" with Mr. International Rock Star who's been hanging out with Keith Richard's chick!
* This would have been the perfect time for Jamie to turn to her and ask, "Cooties ... you got em?"
* These two people have ABSOLUTELY no rapport! None, nada, zip , zero, I have seen orange traffic cones that exude more sexual attraction to one another!
* Diana shares this little nugget, "My mother ran off with a dentist" (Reference *: Note she's very private ... Duh! [TMI Diana!]).
Dock:
| * The White Uniform ... Clearly Jamie doesn't have sense enough to pour water out of a shoe if there were written instructions on the heel. Let's see ... Hmmmm, her dad is an alcoholic Dock worker who probably uses guys like me to pick his teeth after bloody bar fights ... Okay, I know I'll show up to meet him the first time dressed like one of the Village People! Smooth Move Jamie! We would call you "Hunky! Those guys would call you, "A Moving Target"! |  |
Cab:
* It is a little known fact but 45% of all Taxi accidents that occur in the Bay area are the direct result of Rock Stars "doin IT" in the back seat. Why are fares so high ... 2 words, Upholstery Cleaning!
Toy Boats in the water scene (But not all oars are in the water ifyaknowwhatimeanandithinkyoudo)!:
* Again we see a Familial obsession with Herpes! Kinda makes you think that maybe Mom got more from that Dentist then just the "Fluoride Treatment" *Wink*.
Hotel Balcony:
* Does Jamie's Insurance Carrier know he is sitting on the ledge of a high rise having an argument with a woman who has demonstrated an inclination for explosive and violent outbursts? This has E-Hollywood Story written all over it!
Recording Studio:
* Some discussion ensues about the upcoming concert and the album. Exactly what time frame are we working with here? How much time has actually passed ... can we have a frame of reference ... pages flying offa calendar ... a minute hand spinning around a watch face ... something?
Jogging:
* Jamie and Diana frolic on the Pier in FlashDance outfits. This is the obligatory "We're crazy in love and you can see that by our propensity to want to run" .
* Did anyone else sorta hope that Diana would take a header off the Pier and be sleepin with the fishes by the next scene?
* All I could think of when I saw this scene is that had they not left when they did one of them there fishermen on the pier would have skewered these two like 2 bread cubes for a Fondue!
* Jamie continues to keep that Low Profile thing going here ... LOL!
Bar:
* Further evidence that Diana is Mentally ill! I think this was actually supposed to suggest that she had let her emotional guard down and was reaching out in an attempt to redefine herself as a woman and a human being. It turned out just portraying her as a "Goof"!
Nighttime Street:
* Nicki incites a hysterical crowd reaction which results in our Lovers being chased through the streets of San Francisco.
* One question, How long can you actually run up a hill? Are they scaling K2? One would have to go back to the cheap Roger Corman horror flicks of the 60's to find film padding of this caliber.
* Casserole calls Nicki a "Dip Shit" ... the audience feels his comments may be rather limited and restrictive having broader implications to the Producers & Writers as well!
* Critey! Diana wants to do "IT" again ... this time outside! (* & ** & *** Reference: Thank God she's private, not into crazy relationships, and not promiscuous!)